Let me Practice my Happy Face...

Today was long. One of those long days full of temper tantrums and time-outs and tears, and uneaten meals, and fighting with tiny midgets. You know the ones. If you have kids you know. It was long, and tiring, and a bit painful, emotionally. I woke up late after only a few hours of sleep and many hours of tossing and turning. The twins were already awake. What time they woke up, I do not know. The boys are thankfully at their dad's, a sometimes good side-effect of divorce. I am thankful that I did not have to deal with their petty bickering over what cartoon we should all watch. I seriously need a play room. We attempted to have one in the unfinished basement, but for whatever reason the boys insist on playing WWE in the living room and Legos in their too tiny shared bedroom. Anyway... needless to say... there was no shower today for me. I felt like I couldn't keep up. No amount of coffee seemed to suffice. Mini-man was full throttle, and the Princess seemed to be fairly oozing prissiness today. This meant a lot of fighting. It also meant time-outs... which means dragging a child up the stairs and then bringing them back down. I got my workout whether I wanted it or not.

I almost feel like I am suffocating tonight. Suffocating by my own hand holding me down. Granted I am a self-proclaimed pessimist to the nth degree... but the negative thoughts are bearing down on me with such force I feel like I can't shake them. I worry how my negativity will effect my mini-monsters. Will it bring them down into the depression that I fight every day. And I do fight it. I have for many years. When I was in my late teens it started, and through the loss of my first pregnancy, and the emotional abuse of my first husband, and my divorce, and even when I fell in love with my amazing husband... always... I have fought this demon. I have been on and off anti-depressants for a long time. Some worked, some didn't. Sometimes I thought I didn't need them because life was good and I should be happy. Apparently I was wrong. I need them. I take them every morning with my breakfast like a good girl. And still the demon lurks... waiting to pull me under. Today the demon was almost tangible. I can feel it's breath on my neck. I can feel it's arms reaching out towards me. But I'm pushing back desperately. I'm pushing back because my kids need me and I can't succumb to the vegetative state that demon wants to put me in. So suck it demon face. I'm about to punch it in the throat and pull up my big girl panties and put on my combat boots cuz it's on like donkey kong up in here and I am tired of feeling sorry for myself all. the. dang. time. Tomorrow will be a better day... one can hope anyway...

And now the storm is acomin... and we all know I have an unnatural fear of storms... so I shall bid you adieu and get the hell off this pc before the lightening comes thru the socket in the wall and into the computer to electrocute me to death. Nighty night folks!