The second summer of my discontent

I have been down this road before. Solitude. Loneliness. Overwhelmed by life and the basic responsibilities that I have. And they are basic. No rocket science here folks. Open the dishwasher, load it, turn it on, rinse and repeat. Wash the clothes. Dry the clothes. Vacuum the floor. The list goes on. I am tasked to feed, clothe, and clean children, keep a house clean(ish) and pay the bills. Seems simple. So why then does it feel like hellish drudgery? I should be able to finish these thing and put my feet up by noon and eat bon-bons a la Peg Bundy. btw- totally dug her hair back in the day. But that is neither here nor there. As I said, I have been down this road before. I have done this alone while Sgt. Dad is off in another country in another time zone in another century it seems. Last year was the same only with more angst for many undisclosed reasons. This go round has less angst (if you can believe it) but more sadness, more helplessness, more loneliness. I have received many suggestions and invitations throughout all of this, most suggestions unsolicited. I appreciate the invitations. But I am one awkward, socially inept, loner type bird. I don't know why I chose the word bird, but I did, cuz the bird is the word. Suggestions to join mommy groups make my skin crawl. I do not trust easily and I do not suffer fools. Women are catty, gossipy, judgmental bitches. I know this, because I am one. I have no desire to slap a plastic fake smile on my face and sit around and be judged by stepford moms who want to chat about little Johnny's amazingly fast potty-training abilities while they smile and nod apologetically at me. And their kids name prolly wouldn't be Johnny anyway... it would be something more like Diezel or Apple or Rider or Nevaeh or how bout suck it. I'm not a stepford anything. Most social situations make my skin crawl. That is just the way of it. I have a limited circle of peeps, very limited. Once you get stabbed in the back and kicked to the curb for life choices that have no bearing in other folks lives you tend to become wary. That is sad really. When we are young we trust so easy. (I read this recently on another blog- you know who you are- it's just so appropriate to add to my own ponderings.) Now I am leery of most and question all comments and intentions except for those of the blessed few I keep close to me.
Back to my point. I hate this summer, much like I hated last summer, only I hate this one more. The twins are at this strange age. One day they are sweet and kind and behave like angels. Today was one of those, and I was and am thankful for that. Tomorrow they might be evil little heathens. Who knows. I tend not to make plans for that reason. Any clue what it's like to haul 2 screaming toddlers around w/ all their gear and no help? Well, maybe you do. If you do, then you know, it sucks ass. Add up all this bitching and you know what you get? Another summer of discontent. And it's hotter than the devil's teet out there, and I get really rather bitch-tastic in the heat. And while we're talking about heat, let's talk about night sweats, and hot flashes too. Yea, that's happening. I was all wtf and how in the hell could this be happening. And the doc was all, oh it's your antidepressants. But no, it's not. And that sucks too. And I actually love and adore my husband, and I miss him more than I can express in words and that also makes me sad. Weird, right?
I'm out of pretzel M&Ms- this also makes me sad.
*Sad-Face*