A smelly smelly that smells smelly

What the heck is that smell?? You know the one. The way your house smells. Take a whiff, what do you smell. I'll tell you what I smell, cuz I am sure you want to know and that is the whole point here. I smell stink, and frankly I am tired of smelling stink. Granted I am not the most fabulous housekeeper in all the land. I'm not even mediocre. In fact the term negligent comes to mind. Basically I do what has to be done- wash clothes when someone needs something washed, wash dishes when there are no more glasses, clean toilets when they start to look gross. Look, I hate cleaning. I do what I have to- to get by. I have never been a good at this. Once again... my parents didn't set a great example here.

Now people will tell me, oh it's ok, you have the twins, and yea, I do. But they nap and they sleep and while they are doing these things I have plenty of time to clean. I have time to clean right now while the TV is babysitting them. But, I'm not, because I loathe it. Don't get me wrong- my house is not an episode of 'Hoarders- Buried Alive'. And while we're on that subject, I secretly watch that show when no one is around and then pat myself on the back for not being those people. (You go girl!) I don't understand how these people let stuff get so dang bad. Like- hey check out these 400 pizza boxes on the kitchen floor and don't step on the cat feces in the hallway. And seriously, why do these people always, ALWAYS have cats. They do. Fact. And sometimes they're dead. The cats that is. Crap, I have a cat.....

Just one cat though, and then we have this dog. I really think he is probably 95.89% of the problem. He smells. It's horrid. You can bathe him six ways to Sunday, and he still smells like he rolled in his own poop. Which he probably did. He was abused as a pup, and he has some serious anxiety issues, and my mother-in-law claims that I should take him to the vet and get his gland expressed. Ew. I should do this, but he's impossible to get in the car, and did I mention, he smells. He's a good dog though, loyal, but needy. Protective, but clingy. He also sheds. A lot. And that hair... it gets everywhere. It is unreal the places dog hair turns up. Hey look, there's a dog hair in my bra. Looky here in the fridge, under the milk, there some more dog hair. I feel like I'm going to hoark a hairball just thinking about it. As much hair as he loses, one would think he was bald. He's not. I think my vacuum cleaner just groaned at me. I could knit you a dog hair sweater, if I knew how to knit. He just farted as I wrote that. Not lyin'.
So this morning, on my way down the stairs to the coffee-maker this odor assails my nostrils, and I think to myself... oh gosh (actually it was more damn, WTF), does my house really smell like this, because dang it, it stinks. It smells like dog, and store bought room deodorizer, and last night's dinner (which had garlic in it- which no one ate but me), and dog, and something else that I'm not sure of... I shall just call it stale-ness. And then I think, I really, really don't want to clean today, in fact, I'd rather be back in bed. I stagger into the kitchen and start making coffee and when I open the dishwasher to pull out a clean mug... I think dammit man... why does the dishwasher full of clean dishes smell like crap too. And then I smelled coffee... and I didn't care anymore. I filled my mug and added my delicious creamer and stared into it's beautiful brown depths and inhaled it's amazing aroma... and the rest of the smells just fell away like someone blowing the white stuff off a dead dandelion.

You know how those white things on dandelions are like seeds or whatever, and they get in the soil and make new dandelions and dandelions are actually weeds? Well I drank my coffee and got the twins up (the older 2 are away with their dad and step-mom this week- not that that is relevant here, but still)... and then the twins simultaneously filled their diapers with poop and tried to blame one another for the stink that they each created. Yay!! More stink! How awesome!!! One would think my nose hairs would have been singed off at this point. I wish they would actually, would save me from having to tame them with tweezers and scissors and nose hair trimmers and stuff. Srsly. Why do I have scary nose hairs? I'm not a 70 year old man. C'mon already!! Jeesh! Annoying.

I cleaned their butts, refilled my coffee cup, and lit my Yankee Candle and pretended that I didn't smell the smelly smells that were smelling smelly, because frankly I'm just lazy and I don't want to scrub crap, and that is that.

By the way.... when potatoes rot in the pantry, they can make the whole house stink. So if you smell a smelly smell and are not sure where it's coming from, check your tatties people cuz holy hell that stank!