I got you babe!

Over the past week, I've written at least 3 blogs that I am reluctant to post for all the world to see. Negativity doesn't even begin to describe them. They were straight up dark and verbose and full of deep musings, and quite frankly, they were depressing. Let me sum it all up here and now with this... I am fairly certain I am stuck in my own quirky version of 'Groundhog Day'. Instead of Sonny & Cher I get, 'Mommy, I want Breakfast'. Same coffee cup. Same ponytail. Same argument with 2 year olds about  how they won't fall into the toilet. Same fight between the older two boys. Same Same Same. Oh, and Ca-Chow! Because it's on everyday in this house. Ca-freakin-Chow!

Fuck! I think I might have a case of tourettes myself. Basically I am stuck in this time loop of epic proportions and instead being all like... ohh let me change it up cuz I'm brave and daring... I'm all like... well this blows and please pity me I'm too f-in lazy and unmotivated to do anything about it. And why is that? The definition of insanity right? Do the same thing all the time and expect different results right. I suppose I am indeed a bit insane then. Insane in the membrane. I just hide it better than others. I keep it on the inside. It keeps me warm at night. Hahaha. Ok. I'm not insane. Just depressed, reclusive, anxious, angsty, and lonely. Do these things make me a bad mom? Lord, I hope not. I mean, they're clean and fed and breathing so I would think I'm doing ok. I fear judgement and I fearing losing control. So I stay where it is safe. Home. That is depressing. Like a vicious circle. Anyway... this is getting depressing. I have issues. Sometimes they spill out in word vomit while I blog. And then I cover it up with humor, because I choose not to deal directly with them. My dog just sighed at me like he knew what I wrote. Wtfreak dude. Go back to sleep like a good smelly hound dog. There. Can a person resent them self? I'm sure I do. I need a new perspective I spose. But damn that's hard to do when you're this far down the rabbit hole.

I do realize there are good things in my life. This does not escape me. The kids are healthy. I am healthy-ish. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, the truck runs, the appliances run, the bills are paid, the well has water, hell, we even have indoor plumbing. These are all good things. We wake up to a new day every morning and that is a good thing. I get it. I get that I am supposed to enjoy every minute of my kids because this time goes really fast. However the constant temper-tantrums from 2 year olds times 2... well they can make a day seem like it is moving like Methuselah. Like right now, I am desperate for nap time because the little miss and her evil twin have been at it all morning. Toddler logic running rampant. Everything is mine! No guys, everything is mine, and I will take it all away! And then he actually attempted to use manners and ask nicely for something and she responded with... too bad. And then I laughed. And then it was followed with hair pulling and screaming, which is when shit ceased to be funny, and I stopped laughing. And why is Mr. Noodle so damn stupid? Srsly?! Get a clue you moron!

My depression tends to rage when Sgt. Dad is gone. He's been gone a lot since we got married. Our anniversary is coming up, and once again... he won't be here. I think all told, out of 8 years together, he's been home maybe 4. Makes life hard when you are always separated from the one you love. And I do love him, hard. I am very lucky that this man is a part of my life. He is unbelievably patient and understanding and he has never made me feel badly about my depression. He accepts it, and me for what it is and who I am. I do still harbor some anger over this current separation, because this go round was definitely his choice. I'm angry that he felt like this was the only job opportunity available to him. The anger doesn't help because I can't direct it at him, I can't direct it at anyone. It's just there. Looming and festering and magnifying the ever present depression I already have.

But I do have wine.

3 Bottles of this delicious wine in my pantry. It is by far my absolute fave. None of that dry warm crap for me. Give me this fantastic, sweet, cold, thirst-quenching moscato. Yum! Get you some! You will not be sorry! I will be having a cup or 2 tonight. Yes indeed. A large plastic cup. Not that tiny little wine glass. I prefer something more bucket-ish.
Be good folks! It's time for some mmmmlunch, and more coffee, at least until wine time, oh and I think someone pooped... he was hiding in the hallway saying.. I'm not pooping... always a sure sign that he has... craptastic!