What is Scarier than the Christmas Elf on the Shelf??

 

This Bag!

Thanksgiving has long since passed, and soon the fat man will force his way down a chimney near you and deliver shiny new fabulousness to all good boys and girls. At least that's the stuff we tell our kids.

Enter The Elf on the Shelf. Brilliant! According to Wikipedia the 'small pixie scout elf' is the tattle-tale that tells the big guy you've been naughty. I don't know. I've never actually read the story. I just know what Wikipedia says and what a bunch of my FB friends post about the sneaky little shit, and the countless pics that flood the internet.

I find this elf incredibly freakin creepy. I also thought he looked strangely familiar. 

Christmas decorating began over the weekend. I'm not sure why. I guess because #1 and #2 Son were here and they decided it was time to attempt to rid me of my general 'grinchiness'. I admit I have an exceptionally hard time getting into the spirit of things anymore. I really dislike all the rush, rush, rush, and the expectations, and the crowds, and the parking lots, and... well really I could provide you with a list a mile long. Of course, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, not just because of the presents, but because of the family, and the traditions, the food, and well, the presents. Now, as an adult, frankly, the expectations are just off the freakin chain and the family is spread all over kingdom come, and well... you'd prolly take the 'sea-sick crocodile' over me. (hashtag Grinch right there...)

I digress. Back to the bit about decorating. The boxes of decorations made their way up from the hoarder-like basement, and we began decking the halls in earnest while everyone was up and awake and mostly not cranky. I attempted to take pics of the kids... didn't go so well... mostly pics of the backs of people's heads and extreme close-ups of Mini-Man because he was all... 'ohhhh camera!'

And then, there it was- This gnarly old grocery bag from a grocery store that doesn’t even exist within 200 miles of my house… hiding in the bottom of a box of decorations that had not been used in quite a while. I had forgotten. Forgotten about the dusty old elves that had belonged to my grandmother.  Two strings of lights (one of which was particularly creepy) and some random little fellows with shitty little grins and impish looking eyes. There they were in the bag. #1 and #2 Son declared that they were ‘totally creepy’. 

(The lights- still work- also scary)

I had never thought of them that way as a kid when they hung around Grandma’s cool old house with all of its nooks and crannies. But as I peered into the bag, I got the heeby-jeebies. These suckers were freakin creepy as hell. I took a few pics (mostly for you all), closed up the bag, and stuck it back in the box. I could still feel the way their eyes were looking at me- all like… we’re watching you…. we know what you’ve been doing. WTH?! When did they go from cute little elves to creepy little shits?

I imagine it had something to do with the internet…. And things like this…..

(My particular favorite being The Cock in a Box w/ JT)

And also… '101 Names for your Elf' and '101 Things to do with your elf' (feel free to google that cuz I'm too lazy to go looking for those links at the moment). Really? Back in the 70s my grandmother hung them on the railing of the stairs. I wish I had a pic to show you that. They were quite unassuming, almost cute. Now, not so much.

So while some of you may sit your elves on shelves or stuff him in a bag of Neslte's Chocolate Chips and name him Buddy, or Jimmy, or Timmy, or Hermie… Ours will be buried in the basement in a decrepit old grocery bag until next year… when they can scare the shit out of us again.

I would get rid of them… but I never get rid of anything… (Hoarder??- Bite your tongue!)