In the beginning....

Giving toddlers ice cream and then promptly leaving.... that is what awesome grandparents do. I am beyond happy that this day, no, this week is over. There were tantrums, and tears, book reports, science projects, sick children, sick pets, a heated argument over money with the Sgt. Dad (he's still seething I think- while he sits in a random tent in a random base in a random part of a war zone). There was a general feeling of crazy each and every day. I've been experimenting with herbal supplements too- not such a great idea I discovered. And then... there was the PMS. So... all in all... epic craptasticness abounded. But I fought, and I muddled, and I cried, and kept moving forward, and now it's Sunday night, and I need wine. So cheers!

There was also what my friend and I decided to call... an 'un-anniversary'... this week. When you're a SAHM sometimes you lose track of the days, the dates, but earlier this week, I noticed the date, and I stopped short and sighed. A sad sigh. There was both a feeling of relief mixed with a bit of grief.

If I had stayed married to my first husband, it would have been our 14th wedding anniversary.

And here is where the real story is. I am beyond relieved that I do not have to spend my days walking on eggshells and feeling like I'm not enough for someone else, and being told that I'm not good enough. I have enough trouble feeling like I am enough on my own. But the grief? The grief kind of took me by surprise. It was the first year that I can remember feeling like that. The marriage was short, but the divorce was... messy. Not celebrity Mel Gibson custody messy, but it was tough and cruel, and painful for everyone involved.

And so begins... a slight biography... a glimpse to the past... something I've wanted to write for a really really long time....

In the beginning there was an awkward young girl that had had her heart broken, and had been led on and played more times to count than fingers on your hands. It was the summer after graduating high school and she was desperate for love. In hindsight it seems silly to be so focused on a notion that she couldn't even begin to comprehend. More than love, really, she just wanted to be wanted and to be looked at like she mattered to someone.

Enter, Slick Rick. That's what we'll call him. Because he was incredibly slick, and well, it rhymes. (I like rhymes.) He watched. He waited. He hid his interest behind friendship. He spent time with the guys that were interested in the young awkward girl, and he convinced them to leave her alone. She wasn't worth their time. And once he had cleared this path, he struck. Flowers, compliments, jokes, being available when no one else was. He quite took the awkward girl by surprise. And the awkward girl's friends said- what are you waiting for, he's so into you. Even her mother was wowed. And so, she gave in. 

Fast forward a year.... Everything was grand. They rented an apartment together. They worked hard and paid there bills and planned a life together.... and then he wanted out. The girl, perhaps not so young and awkward now, begged and pleaded that he stay. That they could be happy. That the other girl wouldn't treat him as good as she could. He relented. He stayed. He worked. Every night, every day, seemingly every moment, and this girl became increasingly lonely... and being so young... and immature... her eye wandered. There was a fling. Not an affair, just a not so innocent relationship with another friend that could have led to something, but never really did. Slick Rick caught wind of this relationship. He questioned and accused, and the girl was honest, and repentant, and once again she was the one begging him not to leave. He didn't. He stayed. Resentments built.

Fast forward another year... A beautiful wedding was held. A fairy tale wedding with all the bells and whistles. All the friends and family. The bridesmaids wore purple, the brides favorite color. It was an amazingly beautiful fall day. It was perfect. Who could ask for more? Two months later, this young girl found herself pregnant. She was excited and scared and Slick Rick, her now husband, seemed sort of apathetic to it all. They began house-hunting and planning and there was optimism and old resentments seemed to blow away with the wind. But they didn't. They were hiding under an area rug. That is certain now.

They found a lovely home, and began the whole home-buying process and prepared for their first ultrasound. Folks teased the happy couple, afterall, the young woman was only five months along, and already, she was quite large, it must be twins.

The ultrasound revealed the truth. It was indeed twins. But something was terribly, horribly, disturbingly wrong...
There was no heartbeat....

I'm gonna stop here. This next part may or may not be easy for me to write.... and folks may or may not like it. This was my life. The way I saw it anyway, and I've wanted for so long to sit down and write this out. You wanna read it? Great. If not... I totally understand. I'm thinking this is more a catharsis for me anyway. Perhaps tomorrow I will continue... or the next day....

Right now though, wine! Cheers my deary dears!