Fat girls are old....

These palm trees on my bewbs are so sexy!
(Also, I'm not actually fat- I just play
a fat model in sales ads.)

I went shopping today. I tried on many things. I discovered that I'm fat. Which I knew, but it was painfully clear today. I also discovered that fat women are supposed to buy clothing that makes them look like a 90 year old women who has ceased to care if her vagina has fallen out. I've been fat. Each pregnancy destroyed my waistline a bit more until the twins came and wrecked it completely. I wish I could still blame them, but in all honesty I'm lazy, and I like food. Sgt Dad appears to love the way I am and I'm sort of resigned to it at this point. There's just one problem. Clothing choices suck and I don't want to buy the same shirt my mom is wearing. Recently I bought a shirt that I deemed not old-lady-ish. I was wearing it one day while standing in line at the deli counter. There was a little girl shopping with her mother, and she (like most little girls- mine included) did not have a mouth filter. She looked at me, smiled, and very excitedly told her mother, and all who were listening that I had the same shirt as her grandma. Awesome.
Who designs this crap?  Skinny bitches with a bone to pick? Asshole men who think it's funny to see fat girls wear old lady's clothes? I'm so over this. If I could sew my own shit, I totally would. Why can't they make the cute skinny girl clothes in bigger sizes? Jerks!
I'm fed up with fat girl clothes.
And shit dentists and their bitchy assistants.
And also obligatory Facebook birthday greetings-like oh hey person I never talk to and only friended because I'm a nosy bitch- I hope you have a happy birthday. Hey nosy bitch- how bout you un-friend me instead. (Sorry, random)
I'm out of wine and patience and the Tylenol pm is finally starting to kick in. I haven't eaten real food in days by the way- maybe this dental thing could turn this fat girl thing around, and then I won't have to buy shirts with shiny palm trees on them.
I just don't want to deal, you know?

(Yes, I do....)