And then there was cake....

You know why Martha Stewart doesn't live here folks? Basically I suck at creative things. Well actually... this whole MSDLH thing started wayyy back when I still lived at home with my parentals and Ms. Stewart had that whole Martha Stewart Living TV show. It would come on TV on Saturdays and my dad and I would snicker at her. My dad would do stuff around the house and casually turn to me and say.... 'and that's a good thing'.... which if you ever watched her show... you know that's her little catch phrase. The thing is... this was my dad's way of making a joke. And because my dad is like the John Wayne of dads and barely cracks a smile unless much alcohol is involved... well this was hilarious.

This book makes a good doorstop

The little inside joke has continued on and off through many years now. First these Martha Stewart Living magazines would show up in Christmas presents.... from my dad of course. Shortly after my marriage to my first husband I received a whole Martha Stewart cook book, and there was some blurb in the front cover about making whatever was on page such and such. It was a fish recipe... and the fish... still had it's head. Good one Dad, like that's ever gonna happen.
Then there were the burnt meals of a first marriage. The split top layer of a layer cake that, as we ate dinner, slid down, down, down until it dislodged itself from the rest of the cake altogether and was laying on the counter top. The lasagna fail that ... 'didn't taste like my mom's'. Well of course not, you idiot, I'm not your mom. I attempted making crafts. Our Boxer dog ate my purple plastic floral centerpiece. I tried to stencil. I managed to make a heart look like a giant man-eating alien head. I tried gardening. The squirrels ate my tomatoes.
Then the plaque showed up one Christmas. A gift from my brother. Just reaffirming what I myself already knew.... Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here. I keep it above the stove to remind anyone who happens upon my kitchen. There will be no place cards, no linen napkins, no hand crafted wreaths, no hostess with the most-est b.s. If the kids need treats for school stuff... guess what? I'm headed to the store and that's ok. You come in this house? You help yourself! Let me show you where the cups, glasses, plates, and silverware are. There's the food... help yourself. And as for the food.... well, with the right encouragement from Sgt. Dad things have gotten much better. He raves about my cooking, and begs for me to make certain things and you know what ya'll? That feels amazing!

And then... there was cake. Sometimes when I attempt to bake things.... it doesn't go so well. Like tonight. The cake was fine. I mean how do you screw up store bought cake mix? Well... I'm sure you can. But I usually don't. I wanted to recreate this marshmallow frosting that I had had on some store bought cupcakes a few weeks back. I tried. I really did. But after beating the frosting in a quazi-double-boiler for 10 minutes I was like... screw this... it's good enough. And I proceeded to pour it all over the top of the cake. The twinados proclaimed it 'yummy in my favorite tummy'. And while it was tasty, it looked like Elmer's Glue. No joke. That is what it looked like. Elmer's. Freaking. Glue.

And that, my friends, is why, yet again, Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here, and that, is a good thing

Cheers!