Sing to me, and let me tune out the world John....

Picture somewhat unrelated-altho-he is beautiful

John Mayer is singing sweetly in my ears tonight. I needed him tonight. We are old friends. We go way back. Okay, maybe not way back.... like 10 years or so ago I saw him singing on MTV and I thought gee, he's quite lovely. I have always loved music. At one point in my young life I did the choir thing... think 'Glee' but with less cool song choices. Music, lyrics, rhythms... they speak to me, they take me to certain moments of my own life. In John's case- he got me through. Through divorce. Through pain. He soothed and I love him for that. He's always there too, like an old blankie or your favorite sweatshirt. I just turn him on, and tune out. Tonight, I am tuning out somewhat. Tuning out from the news, tuning out from the quiet of another night without my love. Tuning out after walking out of the grocery store today and finding out that the man in the car 2 spots from mine in the parking lot... killed himself... in his car.

Suicide. Aside from my own grandfather, who gave up when I was only 2, I have never known anyone personally that has given in and ran away permanently. That said, I have been close to those who have known someone personally that took their own life. My husband, for instance, walked into his buddies house as soon as the gun went off and sat on the floor holding a rag to his friend's head until the rescue squad came. Of course it was too late. It changed my husband forever. It made him feel helpless and angry, and he is neither of those things. I could go on listing folks, but it's sort of pointless and perhaps a bit too much for a blog.

I thought about my husband and about his friend and about all the other souls that left us too soon, and those of us left behind. All this while the kind firemen loaded my ridiculous amount of groceries into my truck for me in a great hurry. They wanted me to wait back at the store and bring me my car, but I was already there, and the twins were too busy ooo-ing and aaahh-ing at the firetrucks and such to care about what was actually going on. I put the kids in their seats and we beat feet out of that parking lot and left it behind. But I didn't. I've been thinking about that poor man all afternoon. Was he in the store? Did I walk past him? Did I smile at him or not if he was even there? If someone had shown him a moment of kindness, would he have changed his mind? How does a person get there? I battle depression daily, but I am also aware of that fact that there is so much good in my life. Much to live for. Lives to care for. People to love. People that love me. I've hit rough patches, really rough patches... the rough patches I hit about 10 years ago were like huge gaping bottomless potholes. But there were people in my life loving me and supporting me and caring for me and I never went there... I never thought of it. My only thought was that I had to make it through, for those people that love me, for those people that I love, and mostly for myself.

And there was John singing sweetly to me every night as I went to sleep. Helping me tune out the world.

So no random rambling tonight about curtains that are the wrong color, and curtain rods that are not available in the size I need, and how my kids manage to make the bathroom look like New Orleans after Katrina when they shower. Just some quiet introspection... and John. And tell those that you love... that you love them... because you never know who may need to hear it the most.....